I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
