Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
