First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
