We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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