they won't let me drive with my sombrero
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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