I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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