and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
