It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
