my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
