my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
