i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
