then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
