I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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