Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
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