I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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