Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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