she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
