I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
