tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
false alarm. still invincible.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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