I seem to have left my pride at pride
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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