omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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