I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
