Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
