Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
