The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
