He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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