I was born with a shot glass in my hand
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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