are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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