Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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