My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
