I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
