Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I didn't notice because vodka
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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