One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
