What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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