I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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