When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
