how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Im part way to drunk.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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