We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
sex in a hospital.. check
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
