I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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