If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
