are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
