I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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