I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
