Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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