Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
