i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
