My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
