i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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