I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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