I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I had to cum in my sink.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
