So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
